The human hearts longs for community—a place to belong, to be known, to be understood, to be accepted, affirmed, and loved. Yet whenever we become part of a community, it doesn’t take long before we begin to experience tension, misunderstanding, jealousies, irritations, and conflict. Why is this? Because life in community reveals who we really are. It reveals the gap between what Thomas Merton called the false self and the true self.Thomas Merton, “Things in Their Identity,” in New Seeds of Contemplation (New York: New Discovery Books, 1961), pp. 29–36.

The people who know us best hold up a mirror that reflects our deepest wounds and greatest fears. When my brokenness rubs up against your brokenness, it begins to reverberate, causing discomfort. The people who really know us end up knowing us too well. In our casual relationships over coffee or on Facebook, we get to choose what aspects of ourselves to reveal. But in our closest relationships, we can’t hide so easily. Perhaps this is why we often prefer the company of casual friends to the intimacy of our closest relationships or families of origin, or why so many of us move from group to group in search of the “perfect” faith community or spiritual companions. We can learn to embrace the tension, irritation, and conflict we experience in our closest relationships as invitations into a deeper path of healing, growth, and soul transformation.

In a speech delivered in 1966, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. cast a vision for what he called the “beloved community.” He said, “Our goal is to create a beloved community, and this will require a qualitative change in our souls as well as a quantitative change in our lives.” One might easily presume that with these words King was evoking the ideal of racial equality and societal harmony. In fact, King was speaking very practically about how he chose to respond to personal violence when his family home was bombed in 1955.Martin Luther King Jr., “Nonviolence: The Only Road to Freedom,” May 4, 1966. Ebony Magazine, October 1966. Also available at TeachingAmericanHistory.org, https://teachingamericanhistory.org/document/nonviolence-the-only-road-to-freedom/ (accessed 16 February 2023). The gospel invites us into a radical experience of community in which we learn how to love—even our enemies.See Matthew 5:44.

The teachings of Jesus provide both a vision and path for creating just such a beloved community:

• Be at peace with one another.
• Initiate reconciliation with those you have wronged.
• Forgive relentlessly.
• Speak directly, in love, with those who have wronged you.See Mark 9:50; Matthew 5:23–24; Luke 6:37–38; Matthew 18:15–17.

 

Of course it would make sense to have these instructions in mind whenever we experience tension or conflict in our relationships. But it is also helpful to take an annual inventory of relationships, considering where we might need to take some action to be at peace with others. In recent years, I’ve designed and helped facilitate a one-month, small group practice where we support each other to take steps toward reconciliation, forgiveness, and truth telling. We call this group experiment Becoming the Beloved Community.

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01.  Getting in Touch with the Ache

On the first night of our gathering, we invite each person to list relationships where they experience discomfort, tension, or conflict. One common sign that I am not fully at peace with others is what I like to call that “ugh” in my stomach—an abdominal ache or tightening of the chest whenever I see a particular person or their name comes up in conversation. Our bodies know and remember where tension or conflict exists in our relationships. The “UGH” is a signal that something needs to be done to reestablish harmony.

Once we have generated our list of relationships where we feel the “ugh,” we invite each other to explore the nature of the tension or conflict. What quickly becomes apparent is that our relationship difficulties are messy and multifaceted, originating from a variety of sources. Looking at her list, one person in our group said, “I know that I wronged this person, but they also wronged me. So what step should I take first—forgive them or seek reconciliation?” Another group member chimed in, “I feel like this person hurt me, but I’m not sure whether they actually wronged me or if I’m just feeling disappointed.” It can take some time and thought to identify the source of tension or conflict and then discern what specific actions are necessary to reestablish peace. What further complicates this process is how relational tension often brings our internal wounds, fears, and insecurities to the surface. Before we can take action to restore peace to a relationship, we have to address the heart issues behind the tension. This is what makes working through tension and conflict such a powerful spiritual formation practice.

Looking at our lists, our group found it helpful to clarify the nature of the tension in each relationship before deciding on specific actions to take. We decided that most tensions with others fell into one of four categories: social distance, disappointment, boundary challenges, or clear instances of wounding where we need to offer or receive forgiveness.

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02.  Social Distance

Sometimes we sense strain in a relationship because we’ve grown apart from the person, or life has taken us in different directions. Time and distance can make you wonder, Do they not like me anymore? or Did I do something to of f end them?If social distance is the issue, a simple step is to reconnect by making contact with the person to express gratitude and affirmation for the relationship you’ve had. Taking this step doesn’t mean we have to rekindle the relationship (though we could if we wanted to).

Most of us had someone on our list that we took a step to reconnect with. I sent an old friend a short note saying that I’d been thinking of him and that I was grateful for the role he had played in my life. He quickly sent back an equally friendly and magnanimous text. Reconnecting brought some reassurance, but it also helped me face the reality that I’d relied on this friend’s approval for a certain measure of my security and identity. I needed this guy to like me, and when I wasn’t sure what he thought of me, my sense of identity felt threatened. I received this insight as an invitation to more deeply embrace my truest identity as God’s beloved child.

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03.  Disappointment

Many of our relationships have spoken or unspoken expectations or agreements. Sometimes we feel strain in our relationships when one or both people have expectations for the relationship that haven’t been or cannot be fulfilled. When one or both of us experiences disappointment, we can take steps to realign. It’s helpful to reflect on the question, Are these expectations realistic, fair, and appropriate? I might need to release or adjust my expectations of the other person. When I’ve disappointed someone whose expectation of me was fair, I can realign by acknowledging my failure and fulfill my commitment. If their expectation of me was not fair, realistic, or appropriate, I can first clarify the proper terms for the relationship in my own mind and then, if helpful and necessary, have a gentle conversation to renegotiate proper expectations and responsibilities.

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04.  Boundary Challenges

Sometimes we experience tension because the expectations and agreements in our relationships are unclear or we feel conflicted about the decisions we’ve made. You feel pressure to say “yes” even though you want to say “no.” Or you fear that saying “no” or drawing a clear boundary will create disappointment or conflict. Or it could be that you tend to coerce or pressure others to do what you want, and this creates tension. In any of these cases, steps can be taken to realign the relationship.

Roger, one member of our group, said, “I have a friend who often comes over to my house unannounced and then invites himself over for dinner. This makes me so angry. I feel like he’s wronged me and it makes me want to cut him out of my life.” While processing this with the group, Roger began to realize that this wasn’t actually a case of wrongdoing. Instead Roger had a hard time saying “no” or “not now” to this lonely friend with low social skills. He resented saying “yes” when he wanted to say “no.” He said, “I think I need some tools for kind ways to say ‘no’ or ‘not now.’” Together we brainstormed better ways that Roger or any of us could navigate these blurry boundary situations.

• It doesn’t work for me on Saturday.
• I already have an appointment scheduled (even if it’s alone time).
• At some point I’d like to hang out, but now’s just not a good time.
• I’m sorry, I can’t.
• I’m sorry to disappoint you, I’m not interested.

 

Many of the people in our group were thin boundary people who have difficulty establishing limits in relationships. But a few of us, including Maria, tended to have the opposite challenge of thick boundaries.(My use of the terms “thin” and “thick” boundaries is borrowed from concepts discussed by Earnest Hartmann in Boundaries in the Mind: A New Psychology of Personality (New York: Basic Books, 1991). Maria said, “I have no problem saying ‘no’ to people. I know what I’m willing to give and when I want to be alone. But, it can be hard for me to open myself up to people. I want to say ‘yes’ but end up saying ‘no,’ and then I’m left feeling isolated and alone.” Maria had the insight to see what was behind her strict boundaries was a fear of being out of control. She had told herself, If I don’t open myself to people, then I can’t be hurt by them. As we talked as a group we began to realize that the common denominator between “thin” boundary and “thick” boundary challenges was the issue of fear. Some of us fear the consequences of saying “no,” and others fear the consequences of saying “yes” to others.

So here was the soul invitation. Becoming the beloved community involves learning to relate to others out of love instead of fear. We concluded that we pursue healthy boundaries when we embrace the dignity of who we are, understand our responsibilities to God and one another, learn to interact with each other from love and trust rather than fear or control, and respect others’ ability and responsibility to make their own choices.

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05.  Wounding

There are times when the tensions in our relationships stem from instances of wrongdoing that create wounds. Jesus was very realistic about the fact that we all make mistakes that hurt one another: “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12, NLTScripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Streams, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.). When we are wrong we can take steps to reconcile (see sidebar). Admitting when we are wrong, asking for forgiveness and making amends is a powerful way we can bring healing to others and together become the beloved community. One person in our group said, “I feel like I’m always saying I’m wrong and taking the blame, even when it isn’t my fault.” Another person acknowledged, “It’s hard for me to admit when I’m wrong, because in my head I tend to believe that means I’m a completely bad person.” It seems that to be able to confess wrongdoing in a healthy way, we need a deeply internalized sense of dignity that allows us to be both beloved and broken.

Our group was fairly open to seeking reconciliation with those we’d wronged. Many of us approached people on our list to ask for forgiveness with good results. But we struggled a bit with what it might look like to forgive those who have hurt us. A few of us had experienced extremely painful wounds in our lives, including parental abandonment, rejection, betrayal, slander, physical violence, and childhood sexual trauma. One person in our group said, “I am usually very quick to forgive, but I still wrestle with resentment because I think I never took the time to really sit with the depth of pain that I experienced.” Another stated, “The rationale that I should forgive others because God forgives me seems trite, dismissive, and even unjust—when what was done to me was so much worse than anything I’ve ever done to another human being.”

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06.  Forgiveness

To start with, we found it helpful to clarify a few things about forgiveness. Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary action or process of giving up my anger and resentment toward someone who has hurt me—so that I no longer wish for or work toward revenge. I am increasingly able to wish them well. Forgiving someone does not imply condoning, excusing, or forgetting the offending behavior. It also doesn’t mean that trust is restored. You can forgive someone while still asking that they face the consequences of their wrongdoing. Forgiveness is an act and decision I make that is not contingent on the other person acknowledging their wrongdoing. But forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, which requires the participation of two people working together to repair their relationship by admitting wrongdoing, offering forgiveness, and making amends to restore trust.

We began to realize that forgiveness functions on several levels. It is a process rather than a fixed point of decision. With this in mind, we developed some steps toward forgiveness to try on.

STEP 1. Explore the pain and clarify the issue. Sometimes I can feel wounded when the other person is not actually responsible for my pain. But if they did wrong me, how would I name the wrongdoing? It may help me if I can describe how the person’s words or actions touched on a vulnerability I have. What did their actions trigger inside of me? How did this make me feel? We invited each other to document this on paper, believing that it might be easier to forgive after we’ve had permission to really feel and grieve the pain we experienced.

STEP 2. Examine my attachment to the resentment. Our group had a wincing chuckle when one person read this common definition of resentment: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” How is holding on to this resentment shaping my life and relationships? What do I hope to gain by holding on to this resentment? Why am I struggling to forgive this person? What might be the benefits of letting go of the hurt?

STEP 3. See the pain from a larger perspective. Looking through the Scriptures, we noticed several perspectives on how to deal with injustice. We wondered whether these might relate to difference levels of progressing toward forgiveness.

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07.  Dealing with Injustices

Level 1. Consent to God’s justice and the law of cause and effect. The Scriptures suggest that we each receive what our actions deserve.See Psalm 62:12; Proverbs 22:8; Jeremiah 17:10; Galatians 6:8. I can trust that the person who hurt me will experience the natural consequences and divine justice that their actions deserve. I don’t have to retaliate or enact revenge myself, because justice is being served on a cosmic level.

Not everyone in our group liked this angle. “That sounds so punitive and judgmental,” one person exclaimed. I suggested that it might be a necessary place to start, especially for someone who has experienced a grave injustice.

Level 2. Recognize that grace is greater than the law of cause and effect. The Scriptures affirm that God’s mercy trumps the law of cause and effect. Simply put, God treats us better than our actions deserve. “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13, NIVAll Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™). If I want to be treated better than my actions deserve, then I must affirm that that the higher law of mercy applies to the one who has hurt me.See Luke 6:35–36.

We often stop prematurely at the level of grace in the process of forgiveness. Even when we can let go of resentment, we may still experience tremendous pain as a result of being wounded. One person in our group put it like this, “I think I have forgiven the person who wronged me, but I am having a hard time forgiving God for allowing me to be hurt so badly.”

Level 3. Embrace suffering as part of the larger struggle between good and evil. We experience pain and suffering as a result of human freedom in a divided world. Jesus experienced this kind of suffering, culminating in his torture and crucifixion. He chose to endure the pain rather than giving in to evil. Just as the Hebrew poet did, he complained to God, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1, NIVQuoted by Jesus on the cross, Matthew 27:46 NIV). I choose what to do with my pain. I can either transmit my pain through resentment and retaliation or transform the pain by bearing it in my mind and body. My suffering has meaning in the larger struggle to overcome evil in the world.

For several people in our group, this third level seemed to be the missing link in their process of letting go of resentment and offering forgiveness. This posture acknowledges the pain and puts it in a meaningful context and even allows us to complain to God and express our feelings of abandonment. When we complain to God we are in good company with the ancient poets who wrote psalms of complaint or lament.See Psalms 13; 69; 78; 88.

STEP 4. Resist evil by acting to love and bless those who have hurt me. Love is stronger than death and the most powerful force in the universe. When I choose to love and bless those who have hurt me, I am accessing the power of God that spoke the world into existence.

 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:43–45, NIV).

 

As a final step of forgiveness, we invited each other into a weeklong practice that included these specific actions.

• Develop greater compassion and understanding for the person who has wronged you. What wounds or limits may have led the person to hurt you? How may they have been caught in our shared cycle of wounding and brokenness? What are your hopes for healing and wholeness for this person? Maybe visit their social media page to see what they are up to and what’s important in their life.
• Each day this week, pray specifically for people you struggle to forgive, asking for God’s mercy and blessing in their lives. You might even try building a shrine with their picture on it.
• Find a way to tangibly express your inward change of heart toward that person. Send them a small gift. Write them a note. Make a resolution to stop talking badly about them. Let go of something that expresses your resentment.

 

While we pursued different courses of action with forgiveness, all of us chose to take some step toward the Beloved Community with the people closest to us. We each encountered some resistance, but it felt good to make some progress. This experience also made us realize that letting go of the fears, insecurities, and resentments that create conflict and distance in our relationships will be a lifelong process, requiring not just a change of actions but also a profound transformation of the heart. We become the Beloved Community as we reach out in confidence, realizing our truest identity as beloved children of God.

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08.  When You Have Wounded Someone, You Can Take Steps to Seek Reconciliation

1. If it is safe and appropriate for them, approach and admit where you were wrong.
2. If you aren’t sure what the issue is, check-in to see if there is an offense.
3. Listen openly to the person’s experience of your behavior. Reflect back what you’ve heard. “I hear you saying that it hurt your feelings when I said…”
4. Consider what you are willing to own. Admit where you were wrong. Say the words, “I was wrong. I am sorry that I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?”
5. Make amends. Ask how if you are not sure what would be appropriate.
6. If the situation warrants it, offer further explanation of your reasoning or behavior. Sometimes it is easier to forgive if you understand the perspective, pressures or misdirected nobility of an action.

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09.  What Are The Signs That I Am Struggling to Forgive?

(Check all that apply)

• I can’t stop thinking about the person and how they’ve wronged me, and I get “worked up” whenever I think of them. My heart races. I lie awake at night rehearsing how they wronged me.
• I end up sharing my grievance about this person with anyone who will listen. I’m invested in shaping or controlling other people’s perceptions of this person.
• I secretly delight in the possibility that something bad might happen to them. I hope they will finally get what their actions deserve.
• I assume the worst about this person, ignoring any contrary signs of nobility, and search for evidence to back up my resentments.
• I go out of my way to avoid this person and may have difficulty looking them in the eye.
• In conversations with this person I continue to bring up my hurts about past events.