We are born with open space, with the hunger to be in relationship with God. Right from the womb we search the eyes around us for connection. We cry to be held. We reach out to know that we are loved. And we are, right from the beginning. Even the fact that we came to be is proof enough that God desires for us to know him, to be loved and cared for by him. Children have a natural openness to God; Jesus said the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Children arrive slippery and screaming and ready for relationship. Their interior space has not been filled with disappointment, pain, habitual sin, or any of the other junk that clogs up our ability to seek God with a pure heart. They are seeking and connecting. The toddler who sings in her bed before she goes to sleep and as soon as she wakes up is echoing the song sung to her. The boy who gently caresses the hurt family pet is echoing the gentle caresses of God. C. S. Lewis said we know God exists because we know that there is good in the world.

I have a memory. We were in the La Sal Mountains in Utah. The adults were cutting up old dead trees for firewood, and I wandered off. I have no idea how far I went, or how long I was gone, or whether the adults knew where I was. But I had a sense of being utterly alone. I was standing in a grove of aspen trees, looking up at the glimmering leaves turned golden through their process of death. I lay down on my back, so I could get a better view of these yellow orbs that sparkled in the sun. I went from knowing I was alone to suddenly knowing I would never be alone. I knew that Someone was with me and this Person was larger than me, and more powerful than me, and loved me endlessly.

When I have the honor of listening to adults and children in spiritual direction, I find that many have these “first knowing” experiences—times of suddenly knowing the One who desires for us to flourish in the soil of connection with him. It is common for young children to have an experience with God, even children who have no religious background, although they may not have language to express that experience until they are adults. I have a daughter who is a singer. She has been singing since the day she was born. She shares a room with her quiet, introverted sister. One day they were having a “discussion” on the virtues and vices of silence and song. When their tone had finally reached a fevered pitch the singer declared, “When I was little [she was six at the time], God taught me to sing. And I’m gonna sing!” I resisted the urge to question her about her experience or to critique in order to make it make sense to me. Instead I took George MacDonald’s advice about children having their own experience with God, which very well could be none of my business.“A parent must respect the spiritual person of his child, and approach it with reverence, for that too looks the Father in the face and has an audience with Him into which no earthly parent can enter even he dared to desire it.” George MacDonald, Seaboard Parish (Johannesen Printing and Publishing, 1868), chapter 23.

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01.  Spiritual Formation with Children Much of my understanding of spiritual formation comes from Dallas Willard’s three-book series, The Divine Conspiracy, Renovation of the Heart, and The Spirit of the Disciplines.

Christian spiritual formation is the process by which all the parts of the person come to live a life with God. Everyone receives a spiritual formation, just like everyone receives an education. The question then becomes,” What kind of spiritual formation will our children receive?” While in the last fifty years there has been an emphasis on Christian education of children, there has been little talk of intentional discipleship to Jesus, on how they connect and flourish in the kingdom of God. We have instructed our children in the ways of the church, and we have taught them about God. But only in the last five years has the phrase “spiritual formation for children,” with the intention of connecting a child’s spirit to the Holy Spirit, become part of our rhetoric.

Flourishing in the Christian life doesn’t mean the absence of pain, or difficulty, or even sin. We flourish, families flourish, when we walk this life out with God. One of the things I love about spiritual formation and the spiritual disciplines is that they are all about flourishing; they are all about connecting with God. Whether the connecting is through prayer, through simplicity, or through celebration, connecting human spirit with Holy Spirit is the purpose. Some disciplines invite us into action, and some invite us into retraction, but both sets bring about flourishing.

While we’re on the topic of “spiritual formation for children,” the better phrase is “spiritual formation with children.” Children are co-pilgrims in this, our life with God. Healthy spaces where children can grow in Christlikeness are spaces that are intergenerational, where the spiritual life of children is respected and expected to be deep and vibrant.

Just like adults, children have a spirit, a body, a soul, and a social context. These parts of their small but equally important person can be gently directed into a life with God. We are certainly not in charge of this directing, but instead, our job as their parents, teachers, and pastors is to open the space for relationship with the living God. While we do work with God to form children, we are never to worry ourselves with outcomes. God owns outcomes. We are to be faithful in our own formation through a daily relationship with Jesus. As we learn with children to walk as closely with Jesus as possible, our spirit and our bodies will change. We will begin to look like Jesus, full of laughter, light, and love. We will begin to act like Jesus, loving God more deeply and our neighbor as ourselves. Godly character is a natural byproduct from living a life with God. When we introduce children to a way of entering into a life with God, the Holy Spirit will change their character.

Each person is formed in the likeness of God. That likeness is found in our abilities to create and in our dominion. We were born to create and rule. We are constantly making choices that affect our rule. We are constantly asserting our will. Children have dominion and are learning to use it. Just like adults, children assert their will within the will of God or against the will of God, and often clash with the will of their parents. They are in an epic battle for dominion. Our job as their guides is not to break their will, this God-given piece of his image, but to train them to work their will within the kingdom of God.

We do this by rooting them in a relationship with the Trinity. Spiritual formation is training for reigning. Spiritual formation for children is different from spiritual formation for adults. We use the word formation, instead of transformation, because we, the adults in their lives, are making the early formational decisions for them. Children have far less life baggage, and their hearts are tender to the formation into Christlikeness. They have not quite mastered the adult art of duplicity. Of course even the youngest child can say no. However, their earliest decision to interact with God is heavily influenced by the adults in their lives. The other side of the coin is equally true. Our way of life, our examples of living, are adopted by the children who share in our life. Our sinful choices become their way of life, then their choice, and finally their character. If we are not being formed into Christlikeness, it is highly unlikely that the children we influence will be. We cannot teach what we do not know. That is not to say that they will not have early experiences with God, but that seed of experiences must be watered, and there are weeds that will try to choke it out. Intentional Christian spiritual formation is the watering, the weeding, the feeding of the seed, already placed by God.

Christian spiritual formation consists of four elements:

1. The Action of the Holy Spirit. We cannot puppet the Spirit to do as we will. God is the pursuer. God desires to be in relationship with children, and he desires to form them into the likeness of Christ. Living our lives like Jesus would, if he were us, is the very best way to live our lives. God wants the very best for us and for children. The Holy Spirit is already involved in forming a relationship with children.
2. Life Happens, Even to Children. The second element is the common, everyday experiences and even the suffering that every person must endure while living on this earth. We all know that children are not exempt from suffering. In each life experience, we teach children to look for the movements of God. We teach them to reflect, not react. Through life experience, a child’s trust in God is building. Life experiences are where the other elements are tried and tested and ultimately become pivotal parts in a life with God. It is crucial that children, like adults, have a safe place where they can have honest conversation with those who are also following Jesus.
3. A Mind Centered on Christ. A growing mind centers on Christ through a steady diet of the Scriptures, especially the Gospels. There is nothing in God that is not Christlike. If we want to teach the character of God to our children, we look to Jesus.
4. Spiritual Disciplines. Integrating twelve basic spiritual disciplines into a whole life is where we as adults have a large influence on children. The spiritual disciplines allow us to indirectly direct. Instead of just telling our children to be like Jesus and then offering them condemnation when they fail, together we train to be like Jesus. We set our lives to the rhythms of prayer, meditation, study, service, simplicity, and others. We don’t abandon them to a life with God when the body dies, but we enable them to experience the good news that the kingdom of God is here. It is now. And it is for them.

 

Imagine with me a blank index card, with one black dot in the center. Ask any person what they see. Usually we see the black dot and forget all about the enveloping and greater white card. The white part of the card represents God’s love, his goodness, his truthfulness, and his beauty.The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith is a helpful book that encourages connection with the truth, beauty, and goodness of God. In early spiritual formation for children, our aim is to work with God to help children see the white. As they grow in wisdom and stature, we work with God to open the space for children to develop their own relationship with God. Then, when they encounter the black dot of pain, disappointment, and isolation, they have a whole white card, a whole relationship with the living God to see them through their struggles.

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02.  Ways to Practice the Spiritual Disciplines as a FamilySpiritual disciplines, if you don’t know, are age-old tools that Christians have used to engage their life with our trinitarian God. They have been called disciplines, practices, exercises, and habits. These listed here are the classic twelve Richard Foster writes about in Celebration of Discipline. Valerie Hess and Marti Watson Garlett write about them for children at each developmental level in Habits of a Child’s Heart.

Mediation: Focusing our minds on God and his words to us

• First I think we have to say that technology is often the enemy of meditation, for the simple fact that it keeps our monkey minds running. Meditation slows the mind down to walk and even gives it the chance to sit still. In our culture this takes some practice. Try lying out in the yard staring up at the clouds, and use your imagination to find pictures.
• Watch some ants, notice where they have been, where they are going.
• Read Luke 12:22–24 aloud. Then go outside and actually consider the flowers and the birds.

 

Prayer: Talking with God

• While prayer is talking with God, any good conversation involves listening as well. Create the atmosphere in your home where talking to God out loud is welcome by talking out loud to God yourself.
• While many families pray at meals, try starting those prayer times with a minute of silent listening. Extend an invitation during the meal for people to share what they heard God saying.
• Memorize the Lord’s Prayer together as a family. Pray it each morning before people bound off to their days. Or invite the whole family to help rewrite the Lord’s Prayer specifically for your family. Pray it daily.

 

Study: Learning about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit

• On the first day of each new earth season, go on a nature walk. Collect items like leaves, rocks, flowers, dirt, feathers. Bring them back and look up information about them. These are the fingerprints of our Creator who loves us.
• Engage your family in reading the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John) using your imagination. Read a little each day over a long period of time. After reading a passage, invite your children to answer: What did you see? What did you hear? What did you smell? What did you feel? Lastly, what did the Holy Spirit say to you?

 

 

Fasting: Giving up something on purpose so we can hear God

• We never encourage children to fast essential food; it goes without saying that children are growing and need the nutrients. However, they can give up desserts, sweets, video games, TV, etc. Valerie Hess and Marti Watson Garlett advise talking to children about what to say if they are offered a specific food during a fast. “The rule of hospitality always supersedes the law of fasting, meaning it’s better to eat a small amount of the dessert served at the friend’s home than to make a fuss about your fast.”Valerie E. Hess and Marti Watson Garlett, PhD, Habits of a Child’s Heart: Raising Your Kids with the Spiritual Disciplines (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2004), 60.
• During Advent and Lent invite your family into a reflective time, asking the question: What “thing” is keeping me from hearing God clearly? Or what “thing” do I love more than God? Give that “thing” up during these seasons of the church.

 

Service: Doing things for others

• This discipline begins at home. It is easier to serve people outside our families, but who we are at home is who we are. Shake up chore time by inviting family members to switch chores. Compassion and gratitude for those who clean bathrooms is only gained by having to clean bathrooms.
• Become a family of detectives who detect when neighbors need something, like their walks snow–shoveled or their leaves raked. Are there elderly folks at your church who need to be invited to dinner or a child’s ball game? Practice noticing when people need something.
• Volunteer in your community as a family. In her book Growing Compassionate Kids: Helping Kids See Beyond Their Backyard, Jan Johnson suggests serving a holiday meal at a street mission, bringing a meal to homebound or elderly adults, inviting international students to share a meal with you, as just a few ideas for serving in your community. She also adds that “Volunteering within the context of their family gives kids the security they need to reach out to others.”Jan Johnson, Growing Compassionate Kids: Helping Kids See Beyond Their Backyard (Nashville, TN: Upper Room Books, 2001), 93.

 

Simplicity: Letting go of things that keep us from a life with God

• Often we think of simplicity in terms of stuff, and for sure it includes stuff. But simplicity begins in the heart. A simple heart is one that that loves God and people. When considering a thing to buy or an event to attend; first ask the question aloud, as a family, “Does this bring us closer to God and/or people?” Let this discussion inform your decision.
• Look around your spaces. What things are bringing you closer to God or people? Are there some “things” that are just cluttering up the space? Get rid of those things.

 

Solitude: Quiet, alone, private time with God

• Create a “quiet spot” in your house where anyone can go to be quiet and listen to God. Maybe a family altar spot, or create a tent of meeting, complete with a children’s Bible and a battery-powered lantern.
• Try a finger labyrinth. Sometimes we need something to do with our hands while our minds wind down and focus on God. As our fingers move toward the center, we talk with God, telling him what is on our hearts. When we get to the center we pause, breathing deeply in and out a few times. On the way out, we listen, tuning our ears to hear what is on his heart.

 

Submission: Giving up getting our way

• Submission starts with the firm truth that it is always voluntary. For a larger discussion of submission check out a blog I wrote about when submission is harmful. http://blog.renovare. org/2013/06/14/1480/
• In order to teach our children to give up getting their way, we must practice giving up ours. Our children are watching when we give up our way in the context of our marital relationship, in the context of our work outside the home, and especially when we give up getting our own way when our will collides with the will of God.
• As a family when you are playing together, practice submitting to each other.
• When there is a clash of will—invite all parties into a time of solitude, then a discussion of submission and what it looks like to love one another.

 

Confession: Telling the truth about ourselves and God

• Telling the truth about ourselves is so much harder than telling the truth about God. Whenever there is a need to reconcile through the saying of “I’m sorry,” we are telling the truth about ourselves, and we are admitting that we were wrong and our actions were hurtful.
• Again, children will learn from parents’ example of telling the truth about ourselves when we have wronged them and ask for forgiveness.
• Create an ongoing list of all the ways God shows his love to you. Add to it daily. This is telling the truth about God.

 

Guidance: Listening to the counsel of God and those who love us

• The first way we as parents offer guidance to our children is by listening to their concerns. Practice listening. Remember that a word fitly spoken is like gold, and a clanging gong is just plain annoying. (Easier said than done, for sure. This is why we, parents, must practice.)
• Invite your children in on family decision making. Invite them to help you pray and discern where God is leading. Admit when you struggle to hear clearly. Listen when they say they have heard.
• When discerning the guidance you hear from God, check the answer by 1 Corinthians 13:4–7. Is the answer you heard consistent with the character of God we see in the love passage? What’s the fruit of what you heard? Read Galatians 5:22–23, did it produce the good fruit of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”?

 

Worship: Our response to our God who loves us

• Take your list of God’s ongoing love acts, (under Confession) read them aloud, and then break out the watercolor paints and some butcher paper. Paint your love note back to God.
• Play music that your family loves and dance in your living room.
• If you do not attend a liturgical church, visit one during Easter Vigil this year. Bring your handbells.

 

 

Celebration: Knowing that every good gift is from God and a reason to party

• Par-tay. At least once a month invite the neighbors, break out the cake, and practice your joke–telling skills.
• Each time you sit down to a meal together, invite those who are eating to reflect on their day and voice the little “celebrations” they discovered. For example: “Today I celebrated when my lost keys were found,” or “Today I celebrated when forgiveness was offered to me after I hurt my sister’s feelings,” or “Today I celebrated when the children put their clothes away without me having to ask,” or “Today I celebrated when I heard the whisper of Jesus, and he said he loved me.”