Some time ago a friend asked me, “How would you define maturity?” I could see this was more than a rhetorical question and there was an answer lurking behind his inquiry. I fed him the line he wanted, “How would you define maturity?”

He quickly fired back, “I think it can be summed up with one critical skill: the ability to postpone immediate pleasure for long-term gain.” He expounded on how this concept was so critical yet undeniably absent from the lives of his teenage children.

Little did he know this conversation would spark a philosophical journey of many years and prove to be the beginning of my personal exploration into the definition of maturity and its effects on intimate relationships. I would occasionally encounter someone or an action that impressed me with, “Yes, that was certainly a wise, effective way to approach life or handle that situation.” I would put that into my mental file and ruminate some more about the definition of maturity.

Several years ago, I collaborated with two Christian sex therapist friends of mine, Jim and Carolyn Childerston, to coauthor a book on sex and aging. A book we decided to conclude with a chapter on the advantages of reaching a more mature time of life, and how this maturity can prove foundational for more passionate lovemaking.

As we thought about aging and maturity, a dilemma presented itself. I have a saying hanging in my counseling office that consistently rings true: “Growing ‘old’ is mandatory, growing ‘up’ is optional.” Age doesn’t always bring with it maturity. And although the attitudes addressed in this article tend to be more common in those who have had years of experience, it is possible to cultivate the qualities of maturity even at a younger age. Passing fifty, sixty, or seventy birthdays doesn’t ensure wisdom. And youth doesn’t necessarily embody living life more fully. Regardless of years on this earth, the path toward living out an enlightened maturity is riddled with challenges, choices, and new opportunities.

My own journey and a desire for growth and to experience loving intimacy have been important motivators for contemplating the definition of maturity these many years. My Christian faith has made me realize that ultimately, taking on the habits and traits of Jesus is true maturity. The more I reflect the Father’s heart, the wiser I will be.

As we seek to improve our attitudes in our aging, we stand to gain more than well-earned laugh lines or gray hairs. We earn the privilege of mentoring and passing on an intimate wisdom. As an educator and sex therapist, I believe these habits of maturity can catalyze a deeper sexual intimacy. I have added a concluding paragraph after each of the seven habits with some observations on how it can create greater fulfillment in lovemaking between a husband and wife, especially as we age.

These seven concepts are not an exhaustive list. I wish I could have a conversation with each of you, our readers. I know you would add valuable traits and attitudes that should be included in this discussion of celebrating a comfortable, contented maturity. Like mine, your journey toward understanding the value of true maturity can begin with contemplation and conversations.

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01.  Living Graciously with Imperfection

Have any of our lives turned out the way we planned? I doubt it. In our youth, life can be black and white without shades of gray. This world is broken, we are fallible humans, and many things won’t change that much. But as we mature, we practice radical acceptance of imperfect people, preemptively forgiving them and cutting them slack. Achieving perfection becomes less important as we realize it isn’t essential for happy compromise and joyful living.

As we consider the mature person, I appreciate the word graceful, a word that can be defined as agile or light on your feet, elegant, fluid or flexible, dignified, and grace-filled as God pours his abundant love through us. Maturity lives more gracefully with the ambiguity, mistakes, and inherent flaws of humanity we find disheartening in our youth. Maturity accepts, forgives, grieves, and moves on more easily and graciously from the unavoidable messiness of life. Churchill wisely encouraged his constituency that “Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

Control is an illusion. Accepting uncertainty and the possibility of fault is the initial step into individual development. As we grow to accept the complexities of life, we discover that this place of dissonance and confusion is used by God to launch us into marvelous blessings. Perhaps it just takes a few extra years to more tolerantly move through the disorder to claim the joys and victories he has planned for us. As that famous philosopher Jimmy Buffett states, “Some of its magic, some of it’s tragic, but I had a good life all the way.”

Sexual intimacy is full of life’s clutter and unpredictability. But maturity allows a husband to make love blissfully to his wife who has had a mastectomy or is working through a terrible menopause. Orgasms may not feel like a volcano, but the excitement can still flood our bodies and nourish our relationships. Creative shifts and choices keep affection and passion present in deep and exhilarating ways. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it can form a tender, enduring connection between you and your partner.

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02.  Practicing Delayed Gratification

Maturity postpones immediate pleasure for long-term gain. An adolescent in tenth grade has a difficult time understanding that a failed math test could impact a semester’s grade and in turn his choice of colleges. As the old preacher Bob Jones used to emphasize, “Never sacrifice the permanent on the altar of the immediate.”

There is more to life than just today, and a broader perspective quells the sometimes all-consuming drama of our daily lives. Much of this perspective stems from our Christian faith and the bigger picture it paints. Faith and life experience can help us more wisely distinguish between a two and a ten in order of importance while recognizing that some hills simply aren’t worth dying on. Wisdom dictates that we all must “pay our dues” for anything worth having. Maturity spends less time reacting to the temporary and more time working to achieve long-term goals. “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful” (Hebrews 12:11, NLTScripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Streams, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.). But it can ultimately be extremely rewarding when we learn to live a meaningful life and attain our appropriately prioritized aspirations.

I have had the “messy” experience of prostate cancer and surgery. I was deeply moved by my wife’s unselfish participation in the rehabilitation of my body and lovemaking. She kept in mind the big picture much better than I did as I grieved major losses. Maturity allows us to foresee that helping a mate through a health crisis may take precedence over personal gratification—only to discover new levels of passion.

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03.  Embracing, and Grieving, the Reality of Mortality

In our youth, we believe we’re ten feet tall and bulletproof—that natural consequences can be avoided. As we mature, we come to realize that certain rules remain steadfast: gravity exists; a body in motion stays in motion, especially in a car accident; we’re born, we live, we die. (It sometimes seems baby boomers immaturely think that because they overcame Vietnam, the sexual revolution, Watergate, and many financial cycles, they can overcome the effects of aging and death.)

Maturity knows how to graciously embrace the reality of entropy—everything gradually declines. Accepting losses then grieving and moving through them becomes an expected way of life, which opens the door to new opportunities. Accepting mortality crafts a profound understanding of the circle of life and can motivate us to more reverently enjoy each moment of our later years, never losing valuable time to fear, envy, or regret.

Aging brings with it much uncharted territory and unpredictable challenges that become a powerful facilitator for growing up. In our maturity, we recognize the importance of faith and God’s loving, wise perspective. This eternal perspective gives us the ability to face our mortality with a peace that conquers the unknown. God promises to be always present with comfort and purpose, and maturity learns to crawl up into the lap of the Almighty: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalm 91:1, NIVScripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™).

Maturity accepts sexual losses and learns how to play through physical disabilities. We don’t have to keep a happy face. It’s okay to cry over losing our favorite position to arthritis, and to rejoice in finding different and exciting ones. In our later years, sex may occur without orgasms, and loving looks and touches may take precedence over intercourse. Being sexy isn’t as important as being sensual. Accepting these challenges to make positive, mature choices can open new depths of sexual intimacy.

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04.  Understanding Success Is a Process—Not a Goal

Grasping a healthy meaning of success requires a total paradigm shift. In a culture so driven by the power of performance and goal orientation, we often forget to delight in the journey or to recognize that success is not a destination but an excursion. The busyness of life takes precedence in our younger years. A hectic pace and the rewards of achievement detract from our ability to playfully appreciate life. But maturity works to discover balance and derive meaning. Recreation and relationships become more important than accruing more assets, and accomplishments are measured on God’s scales as to what lives we have touched. It’s a different measuring stick of success and where to sink energy.

I’ve learned to admire the concept of mindfulness— to be fully engaged in the present moment. Savoring a remarkable sunset, laughing together at a comedy club, learning Polish, hiking the Appalachian Trail with a friend, taking a grandchild to a recital—these are the ingredients for a successful life. And as we mature, we see how to take a once performance-driven story, slow it down, add deeper meaning, and create a new narrative—a narrative that is filled with God’s abundance and blessing.

The process, not the goal, of vacationing provides many natural aphrodisiacs for you and your spouse: holding hands while sensuously experiencing nature, spending time together with fewer interruptions, the anticipation of quality lovemaking. These opportunities set the stage for rewarding, and successful, sexual experiences.

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05.  Learning to Give and Receive Love Intentionally

You know the old story of having never heard a person on their deathbed wishing they could have spent more time at work. With true maturity comes a shifting of priorities and values. The focus becomes intimate relationships and feeling connected, supported, valued. Having fun dates with your mate, relaxing with friends, spending time with the grandchildren, or playing golf with buddies gains new significance.

Maturity knows that falling in love is effortless, but staying in love takes work. Maintaining acquaintances is easy, but building true friendship involves discipline. As we grow older, we sadly conclude: life continually conspires to undermine our sense of connection! So much can sabotage our ability to give and receive love: old wounds and fears, the barriers we form that prevent real attachment, the strains of paying the bills, family demands, or letting our good endeavors crowd out God’s better ones. Loving necessitates intentional time and effort.

God’s eternal purposes grow sweeter with time and with maturity. And when our maturity is enriched with his wisdom, the result can be wonderfully rich sexual intimacy. One might even make the case that intimate lovemaking is wasted on those less than fifty years of age. Scripture uses the Hebrew word translated “know” ( yada) for sexual lovemaking. Yada love includes a comprehensive, comfortable, and experiential knowing. Maturity affords the very kind of accepting and understanding wisdom necessary to truly know and share this meaningful sexual oneness with your chosen and special person.

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06.  Growing Comfortable in Our Own Skin

As we mature, we learn to incorporate God’s gift of positive self-esteem into a true servant’s heart. Scripture encourages healthy self-confidence, as well as submission to one another within loving relationships—cultivating the ability to reach beyond our own desires to meet the needs of another. This affectionate, humble serving is based on a maturity derived from being comfortable in our own skin and acknowledging God’s verdict that each of us is uniquely and wonderfully made (see Psalm 139:14).

Risking redundancy to emphasize a point, to be truly humble and serve from a place of wholeness, you have to become securely confident. Only from that strong place of self-acceptance and self-esteem, where we have nothing to prove and no need for jealousy, defensiveness, or competition, we will be able to reach out and comfortably build long-lasting, intimate relationships.

When we learn to operate with this humble confidence, we open ourselves up to enjoying human interaction in fresh and amazing ways. I remember feeling so affirmed when someone came up to me after a conference and said, “I called my best friend and told her I was privileged to meet someone today who is really comfortable in his own skin. He shared the most vulnerable parts of himself so easily and openly.” Needless to say, I was appreciative for the fruit of my labors in maturity.

Sexual intimacy flourishes when two psychologically whole people can relax in their own bodies and revel in their sexual feelings. Each lover can nurture the other and relish creating sexual arousal and fulfillment in their partner. Concerns like body image, self-consciousness, fearing incompetency, or rejecting coaching all disappear. Mature lovers are comfortable with themselves and therefore able to tenderly meet their partner’s desires. They are truly naked and unashamed (see Genesis 2:25)!

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07.  Maintaining an Attitude of Gratitude

What worldview will we claim: grumpy or grateful? Personalities differ, and some people will always view life with a cup half empty and some with a cup half full. But perhaps it’s time for a more nuanced perspective—one that doesn’t simply distinguish between whether we are more realistic and practical or idealistic and forward thinking. The inevitable changes that occur in all our lives will produce challenges. But we have a choice to either engage in creative solutions or slide into a negative existence. Let’s look at a visual representation:

Unfortunately we can find the stereotype of grumpy old men or women in real life all too often. However, true maturity brings with it a choice: to deliberately notice and live in the positive. After all, what we think and believe rapidly becomes who we are. Philippians 4:8 illustrates this point so well: “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT). Positive thinking and gratitude have a way of infusing our lives with the virtues mature people value and strive to obtain.

Have you ever noticed that thankful people are generally happy people? They appreciate what they have been given. Our God wants to give us unexpected abundance. And with maturity comes a mindfulness for these blessings—perhaps even a desire to “name them one by one.”

As we age sexually, this mature attitude of gratitude seems especially important. Our bodies sag and begin to wear out. As a sex therapist, I am fascinated by the different responses I get from my aging clients. One couple in their late sixties looked at me with consternation when I asked how their sex life was. “What do you mean sex life? We’re in our sixties. We don’t have sex anymore.” Another couple in their mid-seventies sweetly replied to the same question, “We make love every weekend on Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon. Then once during the week, we enjoy sensually touching and pleasuring each other without trying for intercourse or orgasms.” I am quite sure that the second couple were very thankful people.

This article by no means provides an exhaustive list of attitudes of the truly mature person. But instead of a conclusion, I’d like to begin a conversation with each one of you. I invite you to meditate on your own journey throughout the years, affirming the aspects of maturity you’ve developed and considering the areas of your life where you still have some “growing up” to do. How will you apply these habits to your own relationships and community?

What a privilege, and a challenge, we are presented with—to become increasingly more mature, not just older. Perhaps the best way to start our “growing up” is to heed Clint Eastwood’s advice, “Aging can be fun if you lay back and enjoy it,” to deliberately pursue maturity in our actions, thoughts, and relationships, while never forgetting to take the precious time to cherish the process.