Conversatio Divina

Part 15 of 18

Reaching In, Reaching Out

Henri Nouwen’s Practical Insights For Humble HospitalitySome of the content material in this article is excerpted and adapted from Wil Hernandez, Henri Nouwen and Spiritual Polarities: A Life of Tension (Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press, 2012).

Wil Hernandez

Henri Nouwen remains one of the most prolific and insightful writers when it comes to spirituality and ministry. In this combined field, the recurring theme of hospitality stands out as a key focus in a number of his works. Much has been written on the topic of hospitality and how it figures within the broad umbrella of spiritual ministry. 

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Table of Contents

  1. 01.  Exercising Real Presence
  2. 02.  Creating Open Space
  3. 03.  Holding Tension in Balance
  4. 04.  Self-Possession and Self-Giving
  5. 05.  Receptivity and Confrontation
  6. 06.  Presence and Absence

Henri Nouwen’s unique take on it is hailed by many as the most nuanced, if not the most substantive, in this area of study. The sheer expansiveness of his treatment of the subject is unparalleled, although his conclusion is strikingly plain and simple: ministry is all about hospitality, and real hospitality is what embodies an authentic ministry.Henri Nouwen, “Education to Ministry.” Theological Education 9 (1972): 49.

Contrary to the popular and prevailing notion of ministry that is held by many, Nouwen never equates ministry with sophisticated curricula, transferrable materials, or high-powered events that usually are reduced to programmatic and formulaic delivery. Given his conviction, Henri Nouwen frowns at what he labels the “professionalization” of ministry, where it becomes associated with a certain exercise of power instead of an expression of true service for others’ sake.Henri Nouwen, Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. (New York: Image Books, 1975), 91, 93. To him, ministry is foremost a people-to-people enterprise—both empowering and life-giving—with the minister in the role of a host, exercising genuine hospitality for the other. In fleshing this idea out, Nouwen reveals the depth and breadth of what he means by being hospitable through and through—well beyond the customary notion of “entertaining” strangers by providing them food and shelter. 

What does it mean to be a good soul host to others? In keeping with Nouwen’s famous flair for organizing his thoughts into a three-point outline, I highlight here at least three hospitality traits a good host needs to cultivate. Drawn from the richness of Henri Nouwen’s  teachings on the subject, I submit the following key considerations: the integrated exercise of presence, the deliberate creation of space, and the creative holding of tension. 

01.  Exercising Real Presence

Henri Nouwen did not just abundantly address the issue of presence. He lived and breathed out presence and employed this gift in his ministry to others. “The ministry is about being present with people,” Nouwen reminds one and all.Wendy Lywood, “Rediscovering My Priesthood,” in Befriending Life: Encounters with Henri Nouwen, Beth Porter, ed., with Susan M. S. Brown and Philip Coulter (New York: Doubleday, 2001), 234. He was able to exercise genuine presence with people because he knew how to be present with himself and his God, who was ever-present to him. His life exemplifies an integrated quality of real presence. 

For one, Nouwen emphasizes, “In solitude we can become present to ourselves.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 41. As we deeply connect with ourselves, it becomes much easier for us to connect with others and exercise real hospitality towards them by being present with, to, and for them. For another, it is in prayer, which Nouwen describes as “a loving intimacy with God,” that we can be truly present to God, who is present to us and who speaks to us in our solitude.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 122. Henri Nouwen was able to minister and accompany others on their journey more hospitably because he himself learned to cultivate and integrate this threefold intersecting presence—to oneself, to others, and to God—in his own life. Indeed we can only be effectively present for the other if, first of all, we are truly present to ourselves and to the God present within ourselves. David Benner sums up this interrelated dynamic: “Genuine presence involves being genuinely myself. I can be present for another person only when I dare to be present to myself. And I can be genuinely present to myself only when I can be genuinely present to God.”David G. Benner, Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2003), 51.

The people to whom we seek to extend hospitality can detect, sooner or later, if we ourselves are disconnected from our own soul and estranged from God, whose very presence we might not feel at all. Conversely, people are more apt to embrace our offer of hospitality if they sense our simultaneous connectedness with our inner being and the Divine Being. Needless to say, this integrated exercise of presence is a nonnegotiable practice we need to deepen more consciously if we are to be good, effective soul hosts. 

02.  Creating Open Space

Hospitality, Henri Nouwen writes, is not about effecting change in people, but rather about lavishly providing space where such change can actually occur.Nouwen, “Education to Ministry,” 71. Without this crucial element of space, hospitality is less than authentic. What exactly does Nouwen mean by “space”? In describing what he means, Nouwen uses a broad variety of terms: open, free, friendly, welcoming, fearless, empty, and empowering.The core source for this entire section is from Reaching Out, pp. 65–109.

An open space is not governed by tight control but is rather characterized by precious freedom for people to move around—to come and go on their own terms—without any pressure of obligation whatsoever from the host. Only in such free space can hospitality be celebrated without misgivings. The genuine host, according to Nouwen, is able to offer this kind of space—the kind in which the guest need not be afraid to listen to his or her own inner voice and, consequently, to find his or her own personal way of being human. In this sense, an open space is also a friendly and welcoming space in that people, including strangers, are allowed to enter in and discover themselves as created free: “free to sing their own songs, speak their own languages, dance their own dances; free to leave and follow their own vocations.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 72. 

Nouwen likewise speaks of the need for us as hosts to offer a kind of empty space, not an occupied and preoccupied space filled with busy activities, distracting noises, and restless moods. In an intriguing but forceful way, Nouwen insists that a certain type of inner poverty makes a good host: a poverty of mind and heart. 

On the issue of poverty of mind, he concludes: “Someone who is filled with ideas, concepts, opinions and convictions cannot be a good host. There is no inner space to listen, no openness to discover the gift of the other.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 103. How very true this charge is! When we are so wrapped up with our own selves, we fail miserably to accommodate others into our world. 

As for the imperative to exercise poverty of heart, Nouwen laments over the fact that “when our heart is filled with prejudices, worries, jealousies, there is little room for a stranger.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 106. Thus, he urges hosts to be welcoming, open, and inclusive in creating a fearless space for a wide variety of human experiences that encourages a sense of community built around “creative interdependency” versus self-sufficiency.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 107.

Lastly, to Nouwen the ministry of hospitality is meant to be empowering. Such quality of hospitality is akin to love expressed concretely in other-centered fashion. By no means is it “a subtle invitation to adopt the life style of the host, but the gift of a chance for the guest to find his own.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 72. By the same token, its paradox lies in creating space for people to find their own soul on their own.Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Healer (New York: Image Books, 1979), 92. Cf. Reaching Out, 72. Real hospitality is meant to have a freeing and never constricting effect upon others. 

Space is paramount in the practice of hospitality. Henri Nouwen not only articulates its vital importance, but he also exemplifies for us how we, too, can create, facilitate, and nurture its use such that our movement toward hospitality wisely leads to freedom and empowerment. 

03.  Holding Tension in Balance

The existence of polarities (a deadline to meet when a child is sick; a desire to be welcoming when there’s construction going on at home) is a given fact—something we inevitably have to reckon with all the time. In ministry as in life, we must learn to hold such conflicts in creative tension as a way of balancing what otherwise would be easily deemed as irreconcilable differences. This is just as true in our exercise of hospitality. To be a good host requires the skill of regularly adjusting the three tensions that Henri Nouwen believes should be lived out in careful balance: self-possession and self-giving, receptivity and confrontation, presence and absence.

04.  Self-Possession and Self-Giving

Nouwen describes ministry in terms of a willingness to lay down one’s life for others—not necessarily in a literal way, but as a matter of identity. He hastens to stress that if a person is to lay down his or her life, that person must have a real “life” to lay down.Journey of the Heart: The Life of Henri Nouwen, DVD. Karen Pascal, dir. (Northridge, CA: Windbourne Productions, 2004). This corresponds directly to the most concise definition of ministry Nouwen has ever articulated in his writings: ministry is all about “the giving of self.”Henri Nouwen, ¡Gracias!: A Latin American Journal (Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books, 1993), 85.

Henri Nouwen firmly believes that you cannot give away anything you do not first possess or own, like your “self.”Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom (New York: Image Books, 1998), 65. Indeed we cannot give or share of ourselves if we do not have a sense of self which we know, understand, accept, and love—one ultimately worth offering to others. Moreover, we can only minister (self-give) out of who we genuinely are. What enables us to minister with real depth and effectiveness is our capacity to live out of our center, where our core identity is deeply lodged.See Henri Nouwen, “Living in the Center Enables Us to Care,” Health Progress 71 (July–August 1990): 53. 

It is only when we claim our own belovedness in God and we become confident that we are unconditionally received and loved by God that we can love others gratuitously. It is from this secure place that we are completely able to give of ourselves to the service of others.Nouwen, Inner Voice, 65. For Nouwen, this is what the genuine ministry of hospitality is about—it comes straight out of who we are, and it embodies the self we embrace as our very own, which is the same self we are able to give to others freely as a gift. Here is the direct application of this principle: People can experience our loving hospitality deeply if we are hospitable to ourselves to start with—that is, if we truly love ourselves and let our love for God and God’s love for us overflow in and through us. As Nouwen also emphasizes, it is critical that we feel “at home in our own house.”Nouwen, Reaching Out, 102.—that is, at home with our own hearts where God dwells and we dwell with God. The truth is, as we grow equally at home with ourselves and with God, others are bound to feel increasingly at home with us and will more comfortably welcome our offer of hospitality.  

05.  Receptivity and Confrontation

The hospitable place and space Nouwen has in mind are at once inviting, encouraging, trusting, revealing, healing, affirming, compassionate, supportive, and receptive.Nouwen, Inner Voice, 75ff. He places special weight on the importance of receptivity. Accordingly, any type of outreach ministry that is lacking in honest receptivity can be dangerous. It can easily give rise to “manipulation and even to violence . . . in thoughts, words and actions,” whereas genuine receptivity (has to do with inviting others into our world on their terms, as opposed to ours).Nouwen, Inner Voice, 98.

The moment we start imposing our own agenda—including our personal convictions, ideologies, and lifestyle—and use any of that as leverage to determine how far we are willing to connect with others, we slip into exploitative posturing. Hospitality of this sort smacks of a business transaction in which we make sure we have the upper hand.Nouwen, Inner Voice, 98. Genuine reception of others—a trademark of hospitality—has love, friendship, and care fueling it, not the manipulative imposition of our viewpoints or attitudes. 

Receptivity, however, is but one face of hospitality; just as critical is the bold face of confrontation. Nouwen explains: “Real receptivity asks for confrontation because space can only be a welcoming space when there are clear boundaries, and boundaries are limits between which we define our own position. Flexible limits, but limits nonetheless.” This is what Nouwen calls “articulate presence,” which he identifies as “the presence within boundaries,” where the host assumes a position of “a point of orientation and a frame of reference” for the guest.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 99.

Nouwen is obviously balancing the notion that real hospitality is not only about receiving strangers or guests but also confronting them with the kind of presence so direct that it is neither ambiguous nor neutral. Primarily, it means presenting—not imposing—our position to the other in a clear manner: 

No real dialogue is possible between somebody and a nobody. We can enter into communication with the other only when our own life choices, attitudes and viewpoints offer boundaries that challenge the strangers to become aware of their own position and to explore it critically. 

Applying this aspect of hospitality directly to our efforts at being a good, hospitable host means we need not be timid to bear witness to our convictions so long as we do not impose them on others in a manipulative fashion. Henri Nouwen was a true example of this attitude and action, according to L’Arche founder Jean Vanier, who said, “[Nouwen] led people closer to Jesus, to truth, to a greater acceptance of themselves and of reality” without ever imposing his own faith on them.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 99.He received and accepted others with respect while never failing to be a powerful and continuing witness in their lives. 

Receptivity and confrontation represent two sides of our Christian witness that we would do well to carefully keep in good balance. As Nouwen states, “Receptivity without confrontation leads to a bland neutrality that serves nobody. Confrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody.”Nouwen, “Bringing the Spirit Through Leaving,” Bread for the Journey, March 14. Receptivity is a true expression of the tender care that materializes through confrontation. Both are needful traits for us to imbibe if we seek to be a hospitable host.

06.  Presence and Absence

While Henri Nouwen rightly emphasizes the exercise of real presence when extending 

hospitality to others, he likewise calls for the need to balance presence with the ministry of absence—a more purposeful art of leaving which he refers to as an act of “creative withdrawal.” The reason for this withdrawal is to pave the way for the Spirit of God to work freely in a person or situation without us potentially getting in the way. In short, “we have to learn to leave so that the Spirit can come.” 

It’s true that sometimes our presence, though well meaning, can prove imposing, or at worst, suffocating. Absence can provide some breathing room for people to come to terms with themselves or their situation on their own. Being in complete step with the Spirit requires that we be discerning as to how God chooses to work in people and certain circumstances, so that we do not end up becoming a hindrance to God’s way. There are times when appropriate withdrawal or backing off from a situation or individual may be the best way to cooperate with God’s intentions. To do otherwise can potentially abort the process—as well as the timing—of God’s unique work in people’s lives. 

Nouwen points out our all-too-common tendency to be over-available, or over-hospitable, to a fault, which he associates with our desire to feel needed. This can lead us into setting ourselves up as indispensable creatures—a deceptive illusion that we need to shatter each time we become conscious of it.Nouwen, The Living Reminder, 49.The God-complex in us can readily take over if we fail to rein in our fleshly drive to act like the savior we are not. Only Jesus can fully come through for people. 

The dynamics of presence and absence, when applied within the realm of human relationships—to hospitable hosting especially—generate a vision of intimacy much like a dance where a right balance between closeness and distance creates beautiful movement. Nouwen describes the artful maneuverings of dancers this way: “Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.”Henri Nouwen, “The Balance Between Closeness and Distance,” Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith, (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997), February 22. This intentional balancing requires hard work on our part if we wish to extend hospitality to others in a more life-giving way. 

As hosts, our presence can be more clearly appreciated by others through creative gestures of absence on our part. There is a certain kind of absence that yields an abiding presence for “if we are able to be fully present to our friends when we are with them, our absence too will bear many fruits,” paving the way for them to “discover in our absence the lasting grace of our presence.”Nouwen, “Absence That Creates Presence” Bread for the Journey, March 13.Nouwen assures us: 

When we claim for ourselves that we come to our friends in the Name of Jesus—that through us Jesus becomes present to them—we can trust that our leaving will also bring them the Spirit of Jesus. Thus, not only our presence but also our absence becomes a gift to others.Nouwen, “Bringing the Spirit Through Leaving,” Bread for the Journey, March 14.

The ministries of presence and absence represent spiritual opposites that can be employed both alternately and simultaneously in a cooperative mode, despite their inherent tension. Henri Nouwen shows that this is both possible and necessary as we seek to embody a more authentic and well-integrated service of hospitality. 

Footnotes

Wil Hernandez, PhD, is the founder of The Nouwen Legacy (www.nouwenlegacy.com), based in Pasadena, CA, which exists to promote the spiritual legacy of Henri Nouwen via retreats, courses, and workshops that Wil conducts all across the country. Additionally, Wil teaches as an associate professor of Christian Spirituality at Spring Arbor University (Michigan) where he also directs its online Master of Arts in Spiritual Formation and Leadership (MSFL) program (http://msfl.arbor.edu).

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