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05.
Receptivity and Confrontation
The hospitable place and space Nouwen has in mind are at once inviting, encouraging, trusting, revealing, healing, affirming, compassionate, supportive, and receptive.Nouwen, Inner Voice, 75ff. He places special weight on the importance of receptivity. Accordingly, any type of outreach ministry that is lacking in honest receptivity can be dangerous. It can easily give rise to “manipulation and even to violence . . . in thoughts, words and actions,” whereas genuine receptivity (has to do with inviting others into our world on their terms, as opposed to ours).Nouwen, Inner Voice, 98.
The moment we start imposing our own agenda—including our personal convictions, ideologies, and lifestyle—and use any of that as leverage to determine how far we are willing to connect with others, we slip into exploitative posturing. Hospitality of this sort smacks of a business transaction in which we make sure we have the upper hand.Nouwen, Inner Voice, 98. Genuine reception of others—a trademark of hospitality—has love, friendship, and care fueling it, not the manipulative imposition of our viewpoints or attitudes.
Receptivity, however, is but one face of hospitality; just as critical is the bold face of confrontation. Nouwen explains: “Real receptivity asks for confrontation because space can only be a welcoming space when there are clear boundaries, and boundaries are limits between which we define our own position. Flexible limits, but limits nonetheless.” This is what Nouwen calls “articulate presence,” which he identifies as “the presence within boundaries,” where the host assumes a position of “a point of orientation and a frame of reference” for the guest.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 99.
Nouwen is obviously balancing the notion that real hospitality is not only about receiving strangers or guests but also confronting them with the kind of presence so direct that it is neither ambiguous nor neutral. Primarily, it means presenting—not imposing—our position to the other in a clear manner:
No real dialogue is possible between somebody and a nobody. We can enter into communication with the other only when our own life choices, attitudes and viewpoints offer boundaries that challenge the strangers to become aware of their own position and to explore it critically.
Applying this aspect of hospitality directly to our efforts at being a good, hospitable host means we need not be timid to bear witness to our convictions so long as we do not impose them on others in a manipulative fashion. Henri Nouwen was a true example of this attitude and action, according to L’Arche founder Jean Vanier, who said, “[Nouwen] led people closer to Jesus, to truth, to a greater acceptance of themselves and of reality” without ever imposing his own faith on them.Nouwen, Reaching Out, 99.He received and accepted others with respect while never failing to be a powerful and continuing witness in their lives.
Receptivity and confrontation represent two sides of our Christian witness that we would do well to carefully keep in good balance. As Nouwen states, “Receptivity without confrontation leads to a bland neutrality that serves nobody. Confrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody.”Nouwen, “Bringing the Spirit Through Leaving,” Bread for the Journey, March 14. Receptivity is a true expression of the tender care that materializes through confrontation. Both are needful traits for us to imbibe if we seek to be a hospitable host.
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06.
Presence and Absence
While Henri Nouwen rightly emphasizes the exercise of real presence when extending
hospitality to others, he likewise calls for the need to balance presence with the ministry of absence—a more purposeful art of leaving which he refers to as an act of “creative withdrawal.” The reason for this withdrawal is to pave the way for the Spirit of God to work freely in a person or situation without us potentially getting in the way. In short, “we have to learn to leave so that the Spirit can come.”
It’s true that sometimes our presence, though well meaning, can prove imposing, or at worst, suffocating. Absence can provide some breathing room for people to come to terms with themselves or their situation on their own. Being in complete step with the Spirit requires that we be discerning as to how God chooses to work in people and certain circumstances, so that we do not end up becoming a hindrance to God’s way. There are times when appropriate withdrawal or backing off from a situation or individual may be the best way to cooperate with God’s intentions. To do otherwise can potentially abort the process—as well as the timing—of God’s unique work in people’s lives.
Nouwen points out our all-too-common tendency to be over-available, or over-hospitable, to a fault, which he associates with our desire to feel needed. This can lead us into setting ourselves up as indispensable creatures—a deceptive illusion that we need to shatter each time we become conscious of it.Nouwen, The Living Reminder, 49.The God-complex in us can readily take over if we fail to rein in our fleshly drive to act like the savior we are not. Only Jesus can fully come through for people.
The dynamics of presence and absence, when applied within the realm of human relationships—to hospitable hosting especially—generate a vision of intimacy much like a dance where a right balance between closeness and distance creates beautiful movement. Nouwen describes the artful maneuverings of dancers this way: “Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.”Henri Nouwen, “The Balance Between Closeness and Distance,” Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith, (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997), February 22. This intentional balancing requires hard work on our part if we wish to extend hospitality to others in a more life-giving way.
As hosts, our presence can be more clearly appreciated by others through creative gestures of absence on our part. There is a certain kind of absence that yields an abiding presence for “if we are able to be fully present to our friends when we are with them, our absence too will bear many fruits,” paving the way for them to “discover in our absence the lasting grace of our presence.”Nouwen, “Absence That Creates Presence” Bread for the Journey, March 13.Nouwen assures us:
When we claim for ourselves that we come to our friends in the Name of Jesus—that through us Jesus becomes present to them—we can trust that our leaving will also bring them the Spirit of Jesus. Thus, not only our presence but also our absence becomes a gift to others.Nouwen, “Bringing the Spirit Through Leaving,” Bread for the Journey, March 14.
The ministries of presence and absence represent spiritual opposites that can be employed both alternately and simultaneously in a cooperative mode, despite their inherent tension. Henri Nouwen shows that this is both possible and necessary as we seek to embody a more authentic and well-integrated service of hospitality.
Wil Hernandez, PhD, is the founder of The Nouwen Legacy (www.nouwenlegacy.com), based in Pasadena, CA, which exists to promote the spiritual legacy of Henri Nouwen via retreats, courses, and workshops that Wil conducts all across the country. Additionally, Wil teaches as an associate professor of Christian Spirituality at Spring Arbor University (Michigan) where he also directs its online Master of Arts in Spiritual Formation and Leadership (MSFL) program (http://msfl.arbor.edu).