Watch Chris Hall’s Overcoming Envy with Equanimity here.
“Envy spreads like a virus until somebody gets hurt.” Chris confesses his own struggles with envy and in doing so illustrates that envy is really about perceived worth, comparing ourselves against others and feeling as if we are coming up short. Where we can’t match up, envy will always try and bring the other down. As Rebecca DeYoung says, “Envy’s ruinous impulses are always personal.”Konyndyk DeYoung, Rebecca, Glittering Vices: A New Look at the Seven Deadly Sins and Their Remedies. (Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2009), 68.
Envy in many senses is the opposite of love. Paphnusius was a man of love, holiness and equanimity.
Small group leaders: Equipment required
1. What did you hear?
The study group leader picks up the pebble and shares what resonated and what brought up resistance. One sentence for each. No comments, no questions. The study group leader then passes the pebble to their neighbor.
When a group member is holding the pebble, it is their turn to share if they want to—everyone should be given the courtesy of being listened to without judgment or comment but remember, one sentence for each. If a group member does not wish to share anything then they can simply pass the pebble to their neighbor.Some people may not be comfortable passing an object around the group. You may want to provide hand sanitizer for everyone to use before and/or after touching the pebble. However, please also feel free to find more creative ways to pass on the right-to-share-without-interruption.
2. What are you thinking?
After you have all had the chance to share your initial impressions you can open up the group for discussion.
a. Can you relate to the descriptions of envy, the desire to prevent someone else having what you cannot? Does this recollection tell you anything about your own self-worth?
It may be hard to admit the answer to this question. You might want to discuss in pairs rather than share with the whole group, or even just use the pen and paper to write it down.
b. Chris defines joy as the settled posture of peace and depth, knowing that God is good. Envy chokes out joy. Why do you think that is?
c. Paphnusius illustrates equanimity. He is unruffled, calm to the very depths. What reaction does he provoke in you? Why?
3. Reflecting on Scripture
Joy has been called the emotion of union; whereas, envy is the emotion of comparison, competition, and separation. The story from 1 Kings is a graphic illustration of the destructive power of envy. However, stories of envy can be found throughout Scripture. Take time to think about other Biblical examples of the destructive consequences of envy.
What would it be like to be part of a community that lived according to the exhortations in 1 Thessalonians 5? How might it bring freedom?
Finish by reading the passage from 1 John 1:5–9
1 Kings 3:1–27All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™
16 Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him.17 One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. 18 The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.
19 “During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. 20 So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. 21 The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”
22 The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.”
But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.
23 The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”
24 Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. 25 He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”
26 The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”
But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”
27 Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”
1 Thessalonians 5:12–24
12 Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. 14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not treat prophecies with contempt21 but test them all; hold on to what is good, 22 reject every kind of evil.
23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.
1 John 1:5–9
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Discuss your experiences in the group; then you are invited to try the practices at home before the next session. Please take a copy of the study guide with you as a reminder.
Here are some ideas; do as you can, not as you can’t:
Feedback
Did you try any of the practices from the previous sessions? What was helpful? What wasn’t?
Silence, Stillness, and stability
Have you been able to continue with a regular time spent in silence and solitude?
What have you noticed about yourself through this practice? Does it bring freedom or does it feel burdensome?
Chris imagines Paphnusius urging us to:
Practice Gratitude
“We start to envy someone else when we want what they have. Practice gratitude, saying thanks, and shift your perspective to what you have been given. Everything is gift.”
Below are some of my suggestions for ways to change your perspective:
Look at the Goodness of God
Give up comparing
Chris describes comparing ourselves to others as a source of deep dissatisfaction.
Chris suggests:
I offer these additional suggestions:
Have participants pray the following prayerWhile commonly attributed to St. Francis of Assisi, it’s origin is unknown. The text was first published in French in a small magazine called La Clochette in Paris by a Catholic association known as La Ligue de la Sainte-Messe. The first English translation appeared in 1936 in the book Living Courageously by Kirby Page (1890–1957), a Disciple of Christ minister who attributed it to St. Francis of Assisi. together at the end of the session.
Prayer of Yielding
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
Enneagram type Fours long for personal significance and are deeply envious of others who seem to have it. The Four is outlined below. However, Fours do not have a monopoly on comparison, competition and separation.
Twos are most likely to feel envy when someone else receives the appreciation, praise, and love that they long for. They can also be tempted to compare their own caring attitude and helpfulness to that of others. They can be mortified if they perceive someone else as being of better service in a particular situation (especially if that help is acknowledged) and may even compete to be the most useful.
Threes are the masters of competition. Marathons are left in the dust of Iron man contests. The temptation is to believe that it is each person for themselves—separation and isolation—so glory does not have to be shared. Envy arises when others succeed instead of them.
Fives jealously guard their carefully hoarded resources. They can be envious of those who actually have more knowledge/competence or those who just seem to gain recognition, awards, and accolades easily.
Sixes doubt themselves and can be envious of those with more confidence. They can also be jealous of anyone who threatens their perceived security in a role or a relationship.
Sevens are most likely to be jealous of anyone who seems to be having more fun or more excitement—or a better meal, a bigger ice cream cone, etc. However, they are less likely to want to destroy another’s pleasure. They are more likely to just want to be part of it.
Eights may envy greater autonomy, power, or authority. However, it is also worth remembering that joy is the emotion of union. Unhealthy Eights have a tendency to use, alienate, or intimidate others so often miss out on intimacy, being one of the gang or included in fun activities. In short, they miss out on union with others and may feel deep envy over being excluded.
Nines tend to bury negative emotions to prevent them disturbing their equilibrium. However, they can be envious—or at least jealous—of those who know their own mind, seek what they want and refuse to feel guilty for it.
Ones under stress slide toward the negative aspects of a Four very easily, especially envious of those who, in the One’s eyes, behave badly or immorally and seem to get away with it.
4: The Individualist/The Romantic/The Victim
Fours feel good about themselves when they are being authentic or using their unique gifts. Fours know themselves to be special and would be horrified if you thought them ordinary.
A Four may well say:
“I’m a round peg in a square hole.”
A Four is unlikely to say:
“I buy all my clothes at Walmart.”
Fours are creative, imaginative people who celebrate uniqueness. They have a talent for seeing beauty where others do not and for helping the rest of us see it too. Emotionally literate, they can hold on to others who are experiencing deep emotion without judgment.
Fours identify strongly with their feelings, sometimes deliberately intensifying feelings that they own, such as melancholy, while minimalizing feelings that don’t fit with their image of themselves.
Fours long for significance and yearn for deep relationships, yet they often feel that they, or their lives, are lacking in some vital way. They can get caught up in waiting for their authentic life to begin. Sometimes a Four can let real life pass them by as they get caught up in a rich fantasy life, a daydream about being special.
Fours long to be understood but believe that nobody else is capable of understanding them or their experience. Fours are exquisitely sensitive to any hint of rejection—real or imagined. Fours are people who value the finer things of life and pride themselves on their taste. They often yearn for what they don’t have (but then lose interest when they obtain it). This leads to the vice of the Four which is envy. Envy is not just a longing for what others have; but a state of mind that would be happy to accept the destruction of what the other has—if it cannot be theirs.
Unhealthy Fours slide toward the worst aspects of the Two, denying their own needs, seeking ways to get close to the people they like and trying to gain their friendship through serving them. They may draw attention to what they have done to deserve appreciation or attempt to create dependency.
Hope for a Four comes in facing reality:
Fours can work on this by:
Fours have deposed God as the primary source of love and the origin of their significance. They search for significance instead in what they create or in how they are perceived by other people. “They have lost sight of the fact that God has created and knows each one of us. He is always available to us being in intimate relationship with him.”Widdows, Becky and Margi Walker, God-shaped people. UK Enneagram course.
When a Four opens up to the undeserved grace of God they can accept the invitation to deep connection. When they grasp that their worth lies in the fact that they are truly seen and loved for who they are, then the storms are stilled and the virtue of equanimity grows. Virtuous Fours trust in God’s cherishing and are balanced, clear thinking, grounded people whose lives demonstrate their holy origin. They find Joy in union with God.