Every person has a longing to be fully known and fully loved. Relationships with others are one of the ways we experience God’s love. After all, Jesus didn’t leave an instruction manual behind with details on how to live life in his Kingdom . . . he started an incarnational community! Relationships hold some of our deepest joys, but can also be hard and confusing, and even carry pain and wounding. Living out the gospel in all aspects of one’s life, requires that we “learn to embrace the tension, irritation, and conflict we experience in our closest relationships as invitations into a deeper path of healing, growth, and soul transformation.”
Mark Scandrette, founder of ReIMAGINE, developed a one-month small group practice called, “Becoming the Beloved Community.” In this article he lays out the vision for the spiritual formation practice of community and talks about the importance of honesty when naming the ache and moving toward forgiveness with the people in our lives.
Borrowed from Martin Luther King Jr. the phrase ‘Beloved Community’ was one of the ways King envisioned social and political changes that would restore the type of community the Bible speaks of. The teachings of Jesus provide a framework for creating such a beloved community: Be at peace with one another, Initiate reconciliation with those you have wronged, Forgive relentlessly, Speak directly, in love, with those who have wronged you. (Mark 9:50; Matt 5:23–24; Luke 6:37–38; Matt 18:15–17)
Too often spiritual bypassing is utilized in [Christian communities] to avoid discussing uncomfortable or difficult things about our stories or even to avoid tension in relationships. This hampers our growth, limits the repair of relational ruptures, and we might miss the most important thing—that God is with us in our pain. But if we don’t acknowledge the pain, then we cannot receive the comfort available to us or move toward authentic healing. Scandrette says, “Before we can take action to restore peace to a relationship, we have to address the heart issues behind the tension. This is what makes working through tension and conflict such a powerful spiritual formation practice.” Scandrette’s experiment is a pathway toward relational wholeness. He developed a curriculum around Becoming the Beloved Community, and it has intentional practices that allow those in the group to be honest with the ache, take steps toward reconciliation, and forgiveness.
Scandrette identified four categories that most tensions with others fall into: social distance, disappointment, boundary challenges, or clear instances of wounding. The article goes into more detail for each of the categories. We’ll reflect on those in the exercises below.
As participants in these Beloved Community groups become more aware of relational ruptures that need repair, they move toward an honest look at wounding and forgiveness. Scandrette contrasts the idea of forgiveness with reconciliation: “Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary action or process of giving up my anger and resentment toward someone who has hurt me—so that I no longer wish for or work toward revenge. I am increasingly able to wish them well.” It doesn’t condone or excuse a behavior, and it also doesn’t mean that trust is restored.
Forgiveness is an act and decision I make that is not contingent on the other person acknowledging their wrongdoing. . . . Forgivenss is not the same as reconciliation, which requires the participating of two people working together to repair their relationship by admitting wrongdoing, offering forgiveness, and making amends to restore trust.
Included with the article is a sidebar of “checklists” for signs that someone might be struggling to forgive. The author notes that forgiveness is a process and it functions on several levels.
The Beloved Community groups spent ample time sharing about places they were stuck in relationships with family members or friends because forgiveness and reconciliation had not been pursued. This is in line with the biblical wisdom that if our relationships with others are ruptured, our connection with God will also suffer. It’s vital for those who wish to grow in their faith and live a fully integrated life (putting “beliefs” into “practice”) to do the hard work of examining the health of their relationships and seeking to live at peace among others. In God’s good design, we are to live in incarnational community which assumes that we embrace healthy relationships and reflect Jesus to one another.
In closing, Scandrette noted,
This experience also made us realize that letting go of the fears, insecurities, and resentments that create conflict and distance in our relationships will be a lifelong process, requiring not just a change of actions but also a profound transformation of the heart. We become the Beloved Community as we reach out in confidence, realizing our truest identity as beloved children of God.
Use the questions and practices below to deepen your understanding of what it means to live in Beloved Community.
- Why do you think some people avoid “getting in touch with the ache” as Scandrette talks about in this article?
- Reflect on a situation that involved relational tension with a coworker or neighbor perhaps, where you experienced the “UGH”—“a signal that something needs to be done to reestablish harmony.” What was that like for you? Do you agree with that notion of our bodies remembering where tension or conflict exists in our relationships?
- Consider how the health or unhealth of our relationships impacts our experience of God. Have you experienced God (or the Body of Christ) nurture or sustain you during a challenging season of relational tension?
- Choose one of the “one anothers”—“love one another,” “serve one another,” “pray for one another,” “forgive one another.” Practice living one particular “one another” every day for a week. What is this practice like for you?A favorite resource for Conversations Journal over the years was Adele Calhoun’s wonderful book, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook. Hopefully it’s on your bookshelf, but if not, go grab a copy! She has a chapter on Community, and devotes Appendix 6 to the “One Anothers” with Scriptural references and questions for reflection.